How Childhood Trauma Turns Struggles Into Toxic Behavior Part One

This series talks about anxiety, stress, childhood trauma and toxic parenting. It might make your brain feel uneasy, but it's about a battle you can win to become the best version of yourself.

Check out our other blogs and stories related to this: Overthinking, Envy, Anxiety

"The way (to blame) is only against those who oppress men and revolt in the earth without justification; for such is a painful torment"

Surah Ash-Shura 42:42

Rohaan’s Past

Rohaan was like that. Bad thoughts and negative feelings were consuming his mind. If someone spoke to him kindly, he would get irritated. If a school friend joked with him, he thought they were terrible people.

His mom would scold him,

"Think positively! Why do you have such evil thoughts?"

Her advice felt like a bitter pill to swallow. His good friends slowly started avoiding him because of his ugly attitude. When mean people disrespected him, his anger grew. But the strange thing was, he started hanging out with those exact negative people. When their sarcastic comments hurt him, his mind would explode.

The Core Problem: Childhood Trauma

He felt so powerless, but these toxic relatives were stronger than him. He became weak because he never had any good people. He was now alone. Even those who gave him advice had given up.

His family's constant taunts made him worse. His heart started filling with hate. When he felt he had no one and still had to fight these poisonous people, he decided,

"I won't live a good life. If this world wants to make me bad, I'll become even worse and show them."

Why did Rohaan make this decision? What was the external cause?

The person who was behind Rohaan's bad childhood attitude was his own uncle. At every family gathering, his uncle would disrespect him in front of all the other kids. He called him useless, fat, and dark. Rohaan was actually healthier than the other kids, but his uncle would say,

"Look, he can't even read or write properly. He will never be successful. He is just a burden on earth."

Rohaan would look at his mom and dad for help, but no one stood up for him. The uncle's words might not have hurt so much if his parents had understood his broken heart and comforted him. However, his mom wanted to maintain "peace" in the family. How could she upset an elder and ruin the reputation for the sake of her own child?

When Rohaan cried and told his mom that they called him fat, dark, and useless and compared him to his cousins, she didn't help. His siblings didn't support him either, because "One must respect one's elders"

Everyone was scared of his mom, so when Rohaan complained, he got scolded too. Poor Rohaan would try to piece his broken self together at night when everyone was asleep. His innocence couldn't withstand the shattering of his confidence. He was outstanding in school, but no one protected his self-esteem. The innocent 10-year-old boy was now forced to lose his innocence because he had no one to fight for him.

No one put a hand on his shoulder and said, "What's wrong? I'm here with you."

His mom's daily advice with no meaning just increased:

"Behave! Be a good boy! Don't be disrespectful and disobedient! Look at your other siblings, how different they are from you!"

The Outburst

One day, it was the last straw. He was tired of enduring his uncle's taunts. His mother and siblings, instead of supporting him, would lecture him. He had thought to himself that he would have to do something because his innocence was being destroyed.

How long could he stay quiet? How long could he not answer back? How was he supposed to respect his elders when an elder had made it his mission to target him?

Then one day, when his uncle said to him in front of everyone,

"You fool, my brother's most worthless child, are you even studying?" With a mocking laugh

The uncle thought that this time, too, he would bow his head and listen to all the nonsense. But he exploded like a volcano. He lashed out at his uncle right in front of his mother and father.

"I hate you! You have no right, Old Geezer!"

Everyone was left staring in shock. The man not even his father had dared to talk back to, his uncle, first startled, then, controlling his emotions, he looked at his brother (Rohan's father) and said,

"Is this the manners you have taught your child?!"

Rohaan was sure that today, his father would see his point and not his uncle's. But that did not happen. His father scolded him right in front of his uncle. He hit him so much that he was injured. Then, he was locked in his room. His trust was broken. His dignity was shattered.

Not even his siblings came to console him. He was lying there alone, injured and alone. His uncle was the richest and most influential man in the family. So, his family was under the impression of his uncle's status. His father had hit him out of love for his brother. He was fed up with hearing complaints.

Until now, he had been quietly fuming, and no one had supported him then either. And now that he had answered back and been "disrespectful," who would support him?

His mother would sometimes take pity on him and come to feed him, as she did this time. And when he, irritated, refused to eat, she would say angrily,

"You don't even seem like my child. You are so stubborn and disobedient. I want you to be a good boy. Learn some manners from your cousin Azlaan. Do you think he doesn't get scolded? But I'm telling you, that child would never talk back."

His mind was bursting. Hearing examples of "good, well-mannered" people, the hatred in his heart kept growing and growing.

The Seed of Negativity was Planted.

The following night, he saw a shadow by his door while he was on his bed, trying to sleep.

And with that foggy memory, it turned out to be the night that completely silenced him.

That morning, a decision about his life was being made. Uncle was at their home. Mother and father were sitting with him very respectfully. Uncle said to his dad,

"My family is one of great honor and prestige. I am the head of this family and want the best for everyone. I can see that Rohaan is slipping out of our hands, and I am very worried about this boy. If you listen to my advice, I have a friend who runs a boarding school outside the city.

They provide excellent training for children, especially troubled and misbehaving ones. I have already spoken to this friend about Rohaan. I just need your permission. You'll see, this boy will come out from there as a successful and good human being."

Mom and Dad, who always treated his every command as an order, listened. Uncle added, "Don't worry about the expenses. I am ready to bear all of his educational costs. My only wish is for our child to get a good place for his upbringing."

Father, who was becoming indebted to him, said tearfully,

"Brother, even after Rohan has been so disrespectful, you are still showering your love and affection on him. I can never forget this favor in my entire life. I am in your debt."

Rohaan was sent to the boarding school. He had become like stone. The harshness and beatings there turned him into a numb person. Then, the company of bad friends made things even worse. He was 15 years old. During this time, he never once went home, and no one came to see him except for Uncle.

Upbringing of a Monster

This built a child who wanted revenge on everyone. He was weak then and couldn't fight anyone, so he took his anger out on those weaker than him by being rude. He grew up. Everyone was busy with their own lives. Who would want a relationship with such a rebellious, badly behaved man?

Instead of understanding, he took pride in doing every bad thing. How could his studies continue? He began associating with notorious friends. His parents had basically given up on him. He was doing everything he had been scolded for as a child, but now with the intention of harming others. Good and bad influences are everywhere, but now Rohaan started avoiding good people because he had no intention to lead the life his parents scolded him for, and now he could no longer distinguish between good and bad.

A person is recognized by their gathering.

As Prophet ﷺ said, "A man is upon the religion of his best friend, so let one of you look at whom he befriends." Sunan Abi Dawud (4833) and Jami at-Tirmidhi (2378).

As Rohaan had promised himself never to follow the elders' say and turn rebellious, he did not follow the boarding school's rules and regulations. He was no longer like the younger Rohaan. He got into bad fights; he left his studies. Yet, he was surprised that he was never suspended. Even here, he was unappreciated. His behaviour only got worse; his feelings were numb, and his actions were aggressive. He went from grade A's to F's.

Wealth through the Wrong (Interest): 5 years later

A fire of frustration, hate, madness, and revenge burned in his heart. He had moved to another city with a friend who brought him into a life of business, trading illegal stock and interest on debt. For Rohaan, what was legal or unlawful? His brain wasn't dull; he was brilliant, but he used his smarts for the wrong things because he was never praised for good things. He made his friend's business very successful.

Now, he had a vast amount of money. He was living a luxurious life. He had cut ties with his family. He had gone so far into aggression and sin that he had even bet his faith. There was no softness in his heart. His language was full of curses and bad words.

He wished he could make everyone suffer, one by one. He always spoke with a sharp, hurtful tongue. He had almost no connection with his family. He had no lack of money. He was a wealthy and influential man in that area. A bad attitude was now a part of his personality. He had gotten everything he wanted.

But even after all this, for some reason, he couldn't sleep. He would toss and turn all night. He had a velvet bed, an air-conditioned room, and every comfort imaginable, yet he was restless and uneasy.

This routine had often taken place, for which his friend had given him "sleeping pills" which he has been taking since boarding school, as he got anxious and stressed at night with overwhelming intrusive thoughts.

Until he gets a call from his uncle's son, Azlaan …

How will Rohaan find guidance, or will something bad happen to him, too? Which Hadith (Islamic teaching) applies? comment if you are looking forward to the next part of the series.

جَزَاكَ ٱللَّٰهُ خَيْرًا